World Series Wrap-Up: A Giants Concession Speech from a Dodger Fan

This is a chat conversation that happened between KOBEsh and friend of the blog and detested San Francisco Giants fan Nick. The narrative is "hate" and the mood is sullen. 

nick: where's the MAMBINO WS recap?
me: ....I'm working on it  It's going to be a really respectful, hateful concession speech
nick: i'll take it

Truth be told, I didn't watch a minute of Game 4. The thought of the Gigantes winning the World Series whilst my beloved Dodgers sit at home made me nauseous. Physically, emotionally, metaphysically--you name it, I wanted to throw it up. In my mind, visions of the on the mound celebrations came and went, with Sergio Romo shouting to the sky like Thor...except I wish he actually got struck by lightning. The injured Brian Wilson and his cartoonish face parading around the dugout like a Disney sports movie gone awry. World Series MVP Pablo Sandoval chugging around the bases after another titanic hit, defying all regular season expectations and any reasonable cardiologist's prognosis for life expectancy. Hunter Pence nervously ticking about the outfield waiting for the final out, not knowing if he was more worried about catching the ball or everyone realizing how incredibly overrated he was. All these nightmarish scenarios danced around in my head, and kept me watching weeks old episodes of Monday Night Raw rather than the deciding game of the World Series. Worse yet...it's the second time in three years I made that decision. 

The San Francisco Giants won the World Series last night, sweeping the Detroit Tigers and capturing their seventh title in the Motor City. It's the doomsday October scenario of any tried and true Dodger fan, short of hearing over the P.A. system "and now entering the game for Los Angeles, Jonathan Broxton". There is no team--not any team from Boston, MA, South Bend, IN or Philadelphia, PA--that I detest with such a fervor as the San Francisco Giants. Save for a Boston Celtics Finals win in LA, there is no sports situation more grave, more upsetting and more nausea-inducing than seeing the Orange Devils from the Bay emerge victorious. Nothing.

But the worst part? They deserved it. Vomit bag number 1, filled. 
 me: Dude - it just wasn't even fair

  I knew Detroit was toast from the minute they swept the Yankees

nick: it was almost a shock when they scoredthey looked flat the whole series

 me: I couldn't believe it

 nick: our shutdown pitching was just unstoppable
The Giants couldn't be have been more dominant over the four-game sweep, holding the Tigers to six runs in four games, including 20 consecutive shutout innings. The story wasn't just that the Giants destroyed Detroit's offense; it's the manner in which they did so. Prince Fielder and Miguel Cabrera, the Tigers' two all-world sluggers, were very literally almost shut down, going a combined 4 for 27, with one extra base hit between them, a 3-run shot by Cabrera in the deciding Game 4. Delmon Young, the ALCS MVP, fared the best out of D-Town's big hitters, going 5 for 14 and knocking in 1/6th of his team's complete runs...with 1 RBI. 

All in all, the Tigers combined for a team OPS of .489, which essentially means that manager Jim Leyland would have been better off if the team had 9 Endy Chavezes batting instead. The team was limited to a stunning five extra base hits and a .159 batting average, all historically feeble numbers. The Giants' bullpen, led by a resurgent Tim Lincecum in relief, pitched nearly 12 innings, struck out 17, walked 3, allowed 2 hits and 2 earned runs, both of which were off George Kontos. This was, perhaps, the most dominant showing of pitching ever  in a World Series. Ever. I want to stand outside in the hurricane right now. 
  me: I'M COOPED UP IN MY APARTMENT WHILE THE APOCALYPSE COMES AND THE GIANTS WON THE MOTHEREFFING WORLD SERIESnick: this hurricane should be Hurricane Panda  it just swept through Detroit me: UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

nick: i was at that Game 1

never been so giddy at a gameme: BUSTER POSEY HAD ONE EXTRA BASE HIT

ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE NL MVP HAD ONE XBH AND YOU WON THE FUCKING SERIES

COMEON

The most amazing part here? The Giants' offense--a decent lineup who manufactured runs without a significant home run threat--managed to top the Tigers' crack starting pitching despite the fact that regulars Brandon Belt, Hunter Pence, Gregor Blanco and presumptive NL MVP Buster Posey struck out nearly 40% of their at-bats and lead-off man Angel Pagan was 2 for 16. Essentially, the Giants scored runs on the strength of their .300 average with men in scoring position and Pablo Sandoval's unbelievable Manny Ramirez imitation. Actually, really unbelievable. I feel like I just saw a terrible Venezuelan knock-off re-make of Kung-Fu Panda, except this time all the children cried and I wanted to go on a hunger strike in disgust. Before the series, most forecasters predicted that for the Giants to beat the Tigers, they'd have to do so behind Buster Posey, Sandoval and Hunter Pence, as they couldn't keep on counting on NLCS MVP Marco Scutaro and light-hitting shortstop Brandon Crawford for continued production. Only part of this soothsaying came true and yet the San Francisco found themselves battering the best pitcher on the planet, reigning AL Cy Young winner and AL MVP Justin Verlander, and just about every other Detroit pitcher to come their way.

But the absolute worst part about this? It looks all too familiar.