Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Tim Thomas is absolutely despicable

Sometimes I play basketball. The word "play" might be a bit strong here - I mostly just commit hard fouls and throw myself on the ground a lot so it looks like I'm hustling. But in the rare occurrences when I get the ball, I will shoot from the outside. No, this is not because I've got a great touch (I'm really good at hitting the backboard - does that count for something? Anything?), but it's because I am little. At 5'7", I will most likely be one of the shortest guys on the court, so out of necessity, I shoot from a spot where no one can Dikembe me. If I were any taller, I would probably take shots from closer than 15 feet, and happily, at that. This is the reason why I am always so hard on big players that play like small players - God gave you the gift of size. Anyone can learn how to shoot. I cannot learn how to be 6'8". Do not dishonor God. He's a good guy. So maybe this is the reason why I hate Tim Thomas so much.

I hate a lot of players in the league. As a Lakers fan, there are many guys
for me to dislike. I've always hated Mike Bibby and I still hate Doug Christie's face. Every time I see Paul Pierce fall down, I hope he needs a wheel chair...for the rest of his life. I hate that perpetual sneer on Kendrick Perkins face and how Rajon Rondo has literally no emotions. But more than anyone, I hate hate HATE Tim Thomas.

Tim is a 6'10" shooting guard from Villanova. He has played for 7 teams in his illustrious career, including the Sixers, Bucks, Knicks, Bulls, Suns, Clippers and Mavericks. In 13 seasons, he's averaged 11 ppg and 4 rpg, to go with a 37% shooting percentage from downtown. Pretty respectable numbers. He's been to the playoffs 7 times in his career and had some pretty epic shots, most notably with the Phoenix Suns in 2006. So why so much hate? Let's count down the reasons.

He is essentially a 6'10" shooting guard
Again, Tim Thomas is 6'10" and 230 pounds. He is almost the same size as Kevin Garnett, one of the greatest power forwards ever to live. He is a large man. Yet, he plays like a guard. Watching Thomas play, it seems like he is allergic to paint. He parks his ass out on the perimeter, waiting for his other, smaller teammates do to the dirty work inside so he can launch trey after trey. He has never been known as a "banger" - a guy who would fight for rebounds or try to get contact for free throws. A lot of people might interpret this as a guy utilizing his best skill to his fullest advantage - I would intepret it as laziness. To use a common NBA colloquialism, Tim Thomas is soft. He's so soft. He's so soft that sometimes, Andrea Bargnani calls him up just to call him a pussy in Italian, and then hangs up, laughing hysterically in between bites of cannoli.

Let's put it this way. Tim Thomas has taken 7,922 shots in his NBA career. Out of those 7,922 attempts, 32% have been three-pointers. Now let's put that in perspective. Ray Allen, arguably the greatest 3-point shooter ever, has taken over 14,000 shots in his great career and 37% have been three pointers. Yes - Tim Thomas has taken almost the same percentage of 3 point shots as one of the GREATEST SHOOTERS EVER. In fact, in 2009 (his last full season), 43% of Thomas' shots were 3-pointers. In 64 games. Yes, in almost a full season, he took almost half of his shots from further than 25 feet away from the basket. He is taking God's gift of size and spitting on it. I fucking hate Tim Thomas.

He has been traded 6 timesMaybe I'm just a harsh critic. Tim Thomas might be lazy, and adverse to any type bruising that may occur battling under the basket. Because he is a little girl. But maybe he's a great locker room motivator, a guy you need on your team to make other guys better. Or maybe not.

Tim Thomas has been traded 6 times in 13 seasons by 5 different teams. Obviously, there is something to be said not only about how disposable Tim Thomas is as a player, but also as a human being in general. In fact, Tim Thomas has long been known as a locker room cancer. So much so, that even the great Knicks GM Isaiah Thomas shipped his ass out twice (though he was dumb enough to acquire him...twice).

In fact, the two times the Bulls traded for him (both times he was a throw-in to make the salaries fit), he played a total of 21 games for them and was bought out both times. Essentially, the Chicago brass paid Thomas in excess of 7 million dollars just to go away. Since 2003, he has spent no more than 2 seasons in succession with any one team. That one team? The Los Angeles Clippers. I think that's enough said about that.

Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but I get the feeling that signing Tim Thomas is kind of like dating a really hot dumb girl. Yeah, she looks really hot to the casual observer, but when you get to know her and see her in action every day, you get disillusioned really fast. And then you want to get out as quick as possible. Let me amend that - signing Tim Thomas is like dating a really hot dumb girl - with herpes. Yeah, she looks really hot to the casual observer, but when you get to know her and see her in action every day, you get disillusioned really fast. And then you want to get out as quick as possible. Because she is dumb and has herpes.

He is a thiefTim Thomas has made close to 98 million dollars in his NBA lifetime. How did he do this?
  • After a career year for the Bucks in 2001, Thomas signed a 6 year, $66 million dollar deal...which was paid for by 3 separate teams.
  • Three trades later, Thomas signed with the Phoenix Suns in March 2006 after being waived by the Bulls. With his playing days thought to be over, Thomas parlayed 3 months of hard work and a couple clutch playoff shots into a 4-year, 24 million-dollar deal with the Clippers.
  • A few months later, even the Clippers saw what an egregious error they had made and were trying to find out ways to drop this deadbeat.
  • In 2009-2010, he made over 8 million dollars to play 18 games for the Dallas Mavericks. He did this by being paid a 6.5 million dollar buy-out from the Bulls in addition to the 1.5 million the Mavericks paid him for his "services".
This my friends, is larceny.

I hope I have made some believers out of the 7 people that will read this post. Tim Thomas is one of the softest, laziest players ever to waste his potential in the league. He is a locker room killer and an affront to working men everywhere. As my buddy ThunderStolt said to me this afternoon, "anyone who knows anything about the NBA hates Tim Thomas." I hate him so much.

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