Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Welcome to the Jungle, Palin

News broke today that former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin engaged in a "steamy interracial hookup" (yes, those words were actually used) with Glen Rice. Knickerbocker fans remember Rice as the a-hole we got in return for shipping beloved legend Patrick Ewing to Seattle. The world continues to remember (rather unfairly) Palin as the dope who professed foreign relations competence because Russia happened to be in Alaska's backyard. Now, we can picture the glorious mental image of the consummation of love!

Big she frolicked with Glen Rice. Some places say they both were single, but who cares if they weren't? (Interestingly, one year after the alleged tryst, Michigan lost to Alaska-Anchorage in one of the biggest upsets in college basketball history. Means to an end. Like you've been so perfect your whole life. Whatever.) I could get really politically incorrect here, but I'll save that for private discussion. On a more friendly note, what did she do to get John McCain's approval for VP? Instead of scaring you away by being intelligent and talking about politics, the most obvious way to answer this question is to analyze McCain's potential to be an NBA player, compare him to Glen Rice, and see if that would have tickled Palin's fancy.

It would be pointless to analyze this situation as if McCain had declared for the Draft (see what I did there?) now. So we're gonna have to enter the Mambino time machine, all the way back to the 1960s, when the Senator would have been in his athletic prime.

According to the award-winning journalists at Wikipedia, McCain excelled at wrestling and even ventured into boxing. These sports are pretty brutal, so what we can see here is that the dude had courage. Throw in that whole "IN MY DAY, I was a prisoner of war (*old man voice*)" thing, and it seems safe to say that Johnny McCain wouldn't settle for a jumper at crunch time. No. He'd go to the rack, son. Maybe he'd get mauled because of his 5'7" frame, but at the very least, we'd be talking about an "I feel bad for how small you are" call from the officials, two shots at the free throw line, and thus two points. Doesn't take a caveman to know that white skin correlates rather nicely with high free throw percentages.

But this was my favorite Wiki line: "McCain came into conflict with higher-ranking personnel, and he did not always obey the rules, which contributed to a low class rank (894 of 899)." Yikes, Johnny. You have a little bit of Metta World Peace in you. We'll let that slide because your Intelligence Quotient is still damn respectable (133).

Projecting McCain's attitude, skills, and personality traits for the NBA, the best comparison would be:

J.J. Barea. As small as a thimble, yet fearless, with a relatively high basketball IQ. And because the lockout has prevented Free Agency from starting, both Barea and McCain are "mavericks." (LAME, I know.)

So would Palin let McCain teabag her? (God I crack myself up.) Well, Glen Rice was a phenomenal collegiate basketball player for the University of Michigan. This goes in his favor for two reasons: 1) Since he went to Michigan, he could not have been an Uncle Tom (right Jalen?); and 2) how could Palin have known that his NBA career would yield only 3 All-Star appearances?

We shall assume that Sarah did the dirty with Glen. If McCain = J.J. Barea, then it's not likely he'd make her as weak in the knees as Mr. Rice. But there's gotta be at least a little HJ action in there, right?

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