Thursday, July 7, 2011

Albert Pujols breaks record, bones and principles of modern medicine

2 weeks ago, Albert Pujols suffered a small fracture in his wrist. The doctors expected him to miss at least 6 weeks and hoping he would resume baseball activities in 4 weeks. Instead, Albert turned the doctor's prognosis into a Odalis Perez fastball - and absolutely annihilated it.

I've documented here on this blog that Pujols isn't just the greatest player in the league; he's one of the greatest players of all time. He might live to be the greatest player ev-ER. There is very rarely anything he does that amazes me anymore. But this newest "achievement" is just silly. He recovered from a fracture in his wrist in a third of the time that the doctors prescribed? Did his body spit on the aggregate accrued knowledge of no doubt half a dozen team doctors? Did he just say "f it" and inject super glue straight into his arm without any care of the consequences? Is Pujols secretly Wolverine in the offseason? What is going on?

I'd like to amend my post from January. Albert Pujols isn't just one of the greatest athletes we've ever seen. The guy is one of the finest human specimens on the planet. The guy is built like 1985 Hulk Hogan with the reflexes of 1988 Michael Jordan and the toughness of the entire 1984 Chicago Bears team (and the ass of 1991 Cindy Crawford, my God....I meant....Christian wrote that). And now we've figured out that he can't be kept down by any mortal injuries? Good lord. $300 million might not be enough for a guy that could play until he's 55.

If something ever goes wrong - I'm talking worldwide disease, nuclear war, alien invasion, the apes take over, whatever - and we need to just create sturdy, physically gifted human beings, call in Pujols and one or both of the Williams sisters. I'm still only 45% sure we'd survive - I've seen the trailer for the Planet of the Apes movie. We'd be pretty screwed if the apes took over. Even with a Pujols/Williams monstro-baby that could dead lift 125 pounds upon birth.

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