Friday, March 9, 2012

David Robertson Hurts Foot Doing Regular People Things

I've had a lot of stupid injuries in my day. Tried to climb aboard a high chair when I was 3, only to have my body weight force me and said chair to the ground. Ended up with a huge bump on the back of my head that stayed there for weeks. When I was about 7, I watched a Looney Tunes episode in which one of the characters slithered head-first down a set of stairs, so naturally I tried to do the same thing. Ended up tumbling all the way down, hitting my head on a step 3 times, one for every revolution of head over feet. And just this morning, I got out of bed only to roll over my papier mache ankle when I stepped on an innocent spare shoe.

But each time I got hurt in a dumb way, it never affected my ability to do my job. And that's because all those nights praying to God to make me an NBA All-Star proved futile. David Robertson, on the other hand, is not just a major league pitcher: he's the stud setup man for the most famous sports franchise in the world. He's the guy who pitches well enough so that Mariano Rivera actually makes an appearance. He's the guy who, when the playoffs come around, girls at bars point to him on TV and ask you who he is.

A couple of days ago, David Robertson carried a box of recyclables outside. He undertook the treacherous path that we regular people call "stairs," forgot he was a professional athlete with impeccable hand-eye coordination, and hurt his foot. The initial MRI gave manager Joe Girardi "cause for concern," so Robertson was sent for a CT scan and a body-weighted MRI (whatever the hell that means). Luckily, Robertson's ankle was free from swelling, and should be back in about a week.

But seriously, moving boxes? That's embarrassing. However, it gives me the opportunity to power-rank the dumbest baseball-related injuries I've ever heard:

5. Brandon Inge, 2008 - pulled a muscle while moving his child's pillow

Look, nothing and nobody gets between me and the fresh, cool other side of the pillow. It's a staple of a good sleep session, because if I wake up in the middle of the night, nothing gets me back to ZZZs quicker than refreshing myself (other than refreshing myself). I get it, Brandon, you just wanted your 3-year-old son to experience this phenomenon. But how much effort did you have to give to the point where you hurt yourself doing this? Look, if the little boy was giving you a hard time, let him stay with the lukewarm side of the pillow. His loss.

Other mistake? Flying "Vietnam Airlines"
4. Tom Glavine, 1992 - broke a rib after puking up an in-flight meal

Maybe you'll be quick to blame the airline industry for consistently putting our lives at stake by feeding us garbage. But this is a stupid injury merely because Glavine chose to eat the airline's surprisingly-FDA-approved meal. Such a rookie mistake for a player heralded as a cagey veteran. There are plenty of options in the terminal to bring on board for later. And if you're stuck at one of those smaller places, I just go without eating. No broken ribs for this guy, thank you very much.

3. John Smoltz, 1990 - burned his chest while ironing a shirt that he was still wearing

Going to the dry cleaners is always a very pleasant experience. I give them a ridiculously small fraction of my total net worth, and in exchange they clean the clothes that make me look sharp every single day. I used to watch my dad iron his own shirts growing up, and it takes forever! Why do that yourself when the Asian lady will do it for 2 bucks or less! Anyways, I feel for Smoltzy here, partly because he vehemently denies this ever happened (good move bro), and partly because, if true, he took laziness to another level. That's all-time, dude. Good stuff.

PS -- didn't people say that the Maddux-Glavine-Smoltz trio were like the smartest athletes ever?

At least I got to re-live this classic episode.
2. Marty Cordova, 2002 - suffered burns after falling asleep in a tanning bed

There you go people. Don't blame Snooki for this tanning frenzy when big-league ballplayers like Marty over here felt enough shame over his pale skin that he paid someone to put chemicals on his body. If anything, the J-shore vets may have the right idea by bringing iPods into those beds. No way that house music puts you to sleep.

Stay classy.
1. Grant Balfour, 2010 - strained a rib after wrestling with pitching coach

Remember when Pedro Martinez called out the then 72-year-old Yankee bench coach Don Zimmer during a bench-clearing brawl? What a great human being, I know. When Zimmer approached Pedro with the speed of a caterpillar, Pedro took Zimmer and brushed him aside, forcing the old man to the ground. Honestly, what's the point of picking a fight in that scenario: is there any outcome that makes the public think you did well? (We're not counting the Massholes who cheered Pedro on.)

And that's just like this. What do you have to gain as a STILL-playing professional athlete when you challenge your pitching coach? If you win, nobody blinks an eye. But guess what, Grant. Jim Hickey's got some old-school holds to try out, and you found out the hard way.


  1. Shoulda been a top-10... What about that punter who damn near chopped his leg off with an ax? Or any of Joel Zumaya's injuries? Also that hockey player eating pancakes a few weeks ago. Step it up, Knocker.

    1. Step up your literacy, bro; I said "baseball-related." But you're right, it should have been a top-10. Just got too lazy.