Tuesday, August 9, 2011


Some examples from my Facebook News Feed recently:
"Absolutely nothing to do at work for the next 1.5 weeks."
"Craving something delicious!"
"still obsessing over setting the apartment just right :) gosh I love Ikea"
Today's world allows us to say whatever we want, whenever we want. Even if nobody gives a crap. I couldn't care less about how little work you have to do, about how hungry you are, or that you are so happy that you must display said happiness by juxtaposing a colon and a closed parenthesis. But I don't even blame the parties responsible for such meaningless status updates. Partly because I am sometimes guilty of the same infraction, but mostly because we have become desensitized to so many of them...so much so that this stuff is rather normal. But while Facebook or Twitter is one thing, saying actual words to speak your mind is another.
This past weekend, Tiger Woods returned to golf after missing numerous tournaments due to injury. He didn't win. A duder by the name of Adam Scott won. The link between them? Eldrick's former caddie now carries clubs for Scott. And when Scott clinched a win on Sunday, the caddie, Steve Williams, decided it was appropriate to say actual words.
"I've been caddying for 33 years and I've never had a bigger win. It's the greatest week of my life caddying and I sincerely mean that."
(On Tiger firing him) "I've been incredibly loyal to the guy and I got short shrifted. Very disappointed."
Is there a more obvious alpha-beta relationship in sports than golfer-caddie? (Allow me to use the word "sports" liberally. Golf is not a sport. It is one of the most difficult games in the world, but it is just that. A game. If John Daly can look like John Daly and be moderately successful, golf is just a game.) A caddie is a golfer's bitch. He carries the golfer's clubs, wipes golf balls down, has a towel on hand for the golfer to wipe sweat. A caddie even looks like a freaking crossing guard. Or on other occasions, he looks like the limo dudes who wait at the airport with a name placard. Sure, Mr. Caddie makes shot recommendations. But he's still just a bitch.
Count how many times Steve Williams used a first-person pronoun in those quotes. Really, Steve? This was your win? How many birdie putts did you sink, bro? How many fairways did you reach? You have no business uttering a single word. You should be seen and not heard.
You were an employee of Tiger Woods. You were never his friend. If you were his friend, then he would never have hired you in the first place. There's a reason why you were completely oblivious when news broke that Tiger was slaying pornstars and strippers. It's because golfers don't rage with the dude who carries their clubs. If Adam Scott told you that he wanted a fresh glass of iced tea to cool down mid-round, don't tell me you're not doing a full sprint to the clubhouse. It's part of your job description.
Now, if you hadn't said anything, ESPN-heads would have written glory stories about you switching jobs. It'd be about how you left the scandalous, overbearing, fallen angel to work for the clean-cut white dude with two first names. But you ruined it. No worries, though. People can say whatever they want these days, and Zuckerberg's got an account waiting for you if you're feeling chatty. It'd just be a lot cooler if you kept quiet. Nobody cares about what you think.
If you really wanted to lame out your life and spout meaningless opinions, Mambino does guest posts.

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