Week 5 NFL Picks - A Blind Squirrel Finds a Highway

Last week I went 5-9. It was the fourth straight week that I lost more games that I picked than I won. There have only been four weeks in the season. The record now stands at 11-26-2 on the year. If you are smart by now you know, do what I don’t not what I do. Anyway here is this week’s disaster:

CINCINNATI BENGALS (-4) over Miami Dolphins: Bengals have won 3 in a row and are averaging 33 points a game since losing to Baltimore. The Dolphins haven’t been good since Dan Marino was kidnapped by Ray Finkle. This year is no excpetion.

Green Bay Packers (-7) over INDIANAPOLIS COLTS: On a day where Tom and Peyton are playing again, Aaron Rodgers faces off against Andrew Luck. Rodgers kind of took the title of top quarterback from Brady last year while Luck took Peyton’s old job. Problem is Luck also took Peyton’s old teammates. The Packers haven’t had an easy game yet this year, but this is close to that. They should win by 10.

Baltimore Ravens (-6.5) over KANSAS CITY CHIEF: The Ravens will win going away. It’s just one of those separation games. Arrowhead be damned.

Cleveland Browns (+9.5) over NY GIANTS: Without Hakeem Nicks, the Browns will be able to key in on Victor Cruz. The Giants are Barack Obama. On paper they could destroy the Browns, but instead they are going to keep it close and not take advantage of their two biggest weapons until the very last minute.

Philadelphia Eagles (+3) over PITTSBURGH STEELERS: The Steelers are not the same team this year. The defense is another year older, the bruising running game is last in the league in rushing, and they lost to Oakland at one point. The Eagles meanwhile are finding a way to win every week and getting points.

WASHINGTON REDSKINS (+3) over Hotlanta Falcons: The Falcons were a little lucky at home last week and this week face (dare I say!) Cam Newton 2.0 instead of the Cam Newton 1.0 they got last week.

CAROLINA PANTHERS (-3) over Seattle Seahawks: One game after picking on Cam Newton I take the Panthers, but that’s because Russell Wilson is Cam Newton 0.0.

Chicago Bears (-5.5) over JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS: The Bears have a short week and have to face a short running back. Don’t be short-sighted though. This is a good team – a playoff team – against a bad team. The Jaguars are going to have a top pick in April.

Tennessee Titans (+5.5) over MINNESOTA VIKINGS: The whispers are growing louder. The Vikings are good. When they start getting more than a field goal against a somewhat average opponent, it’s a sign that the people are starting to come around.

Denver Broncos (+6.5) over NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: This will be a shootout as advertised. And as much as people try to say that this is a chess match between Manning and Belichick, it’s been a while since New England’s defense actually baffled Manning. The Patriots struggled for a half against the Bills last week, and play a better team this week. Whoever has the ball last will win, so the number of outcomes that have the Patriots covering are not many.

SAN FRANCISCO 49ers (+11) over Buffalo Bills: Let’s see. The 49ers beat the Jets by a million in New York. The Jets beat the Bills by a million. And now the 49ers play the Bills in San Francisco.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (-3.5) over Saint Diego Chargers: No way the Saints go to 0-11 at home. Wait we’re getting ahead of ourselves here. The Whale’s Vaginas are a tough out, but the more desperate team wins this one.

NY JETS (+9) over Houston Texans: There’s no way that the Jets get their clocks cleaned out two straight weeks. Mark Sanchez will do just enough to keep Tim Tebow out of the news for another week. Just kidding he’s never going to be out of the news, but the Jets lose this by only 7.