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Hello loyal Mamboners! I have a theory, and it’s a biggie. At
least two separate religions could smite me and I’m certain to draw the ire of
both Gators and Broncos. That’s right, I’m talking about Football Jesus
himself, Tim Tebow.
What if Tebow was ACTUALLY Jesus? Like
I’m talking son of God, main character in the Bible Jesus, not the super from
my first apartment.
Consider the facts...
Tebow the Football Player:
He has been wildly successful at every level of football
he’s played. His career highlights include national championships in 2007
and 2009, being the first ever underclassman Heisman winner (2008) and just missing
out on becoming just the 2nd person ever to win the award twice. After being anointed (see where I'm going?) one of the best collegiate football players of all-time, he then convinced Josh McDaniels and the Broncos to pick him in the first
round. He’s done all this while looking like a fullback and
throwing a football like he's still playing pee-wee. How does he pull this off? Well obviously his father, God, is
looking out for him. When I originally posed this theory to BockerKnocker, his
immediate question was “Then why would he ever lose?” That’s easy...to throw us
off the scent. And for humility. Is humility a thing in Christianity? It sounds
like something that the Messiah would have preached.
This year, he’s dealt with new adversity in the form of John
Fox and John Elway, Head Coach & Grand Poobah, respectively, of the Broncos.
They, like the rest of the non-believers, didn’t think he could play like a
typical quarterback in the NFL and win games. So, instead of trying to teach
him how to do that, they changed their entire offense to a scheme that hasn’t been used in
the NFL in like 50 years and is mostly reserved for Friday nights.
Last week Tebow attempted 8 total passes, completing a whopping 25% of
them, and the Broncos still won the game. Since taking over as the starter,
Tebow has won 3 of 4 games and brought the Denver Tebows back into contention in a
division that no one seems to want to win. How has Timmy been able to change
the entire offensive philosophy of a team AND be successful? Well, obviously
he’s the son of God.
Tebow the Man:
Both he and He had births that were surrounded in
controversy. JC came about from
the immaculate reception
conception, and Tebow was born in the Philippines while his mother was on a
Christian mission. That’s not much of a controversy itself, but while she was
rumbling in the jungle, she got some kind of jungle fever (not the fun/racist
kind) and had to take some combination of drugs that doctors expected to cause
a stillbirth. But since abortion is a Tebow family no-no, she opted to see it
through and ultimately made the right decision. Why? Because if she had done
the other thing, you all wouldn’t have the opportunity to read what I’m writing
right here.
This leads to my next comparison, their mothers. Both of
them were at the forefronts of controversies. Mary heard a less modern version of “How
the hell did you just have a kid if you’re a virgin!?” Conversely, last year Mrs. T & New Jesus made a commercial that aired in
the Super Bowl and it was the most talked about commercial of the year. I’m
sure you heard about it.
Despite what
people think about the man, by
all accounts, each of them is a genuinely good guy. Much to our dismay, I can’t find an article where people talk about
meeting Jesus so you’ll just have to trust
me on that one.
Love them or hate them, there is no middle ground. And logic was thrown out the door a long time ago. So that, my friends, is why Tebow is the reincarnation of Jesus. What does this mean for all of us? I don’t know. But I do know that Timmy is changing the game of football, one non-believer at a time, just like his former self changed the world 2000ish years ago. Tonight (almost) everyone will see what I mean when Tebow plays the ugliest game of football, but will somehow beat the Jets and get one step closer to winning the division.
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So there you have it. Look out for more TuckRule, since me and KOBEsh aren't really fond of posting pigskin. Unless the Bossman fires TuckRule after this one post. After all, the dude can't stand cream cheese.
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