Thursday, November 17, 2011

Tim Tebow, the Son of God

It's that time of the year again. Check out a guest post from my buddy TuckRule. You may remember him from such films as The Modern Football Fan and "How to Use Your Thumbs: The Rob Van Dam Story." The former was a 1 week old blog abandoned like Casey Anthony's baby; the latter was just an extremely unfortunate incident that will live on forever. TuckRule is a hardcore Giants fan, although he wasn't accepted into the ranks of local fans because his appetite for football was borne by the Madden video game series. He's also a Jew who hates cream cheese. Does that make him worthy of oxygen? You decide.


Hello loyal Mamboners! I have a theory, and it’s a biggie. At least two separate religions could smite me and I’m certain to draw the ire of both Gators and Broncos. That’s right, I’m talking about Football Jesus himself, Tim Tebow.

What if Tebow was ACTUALLY Jesus? Like I’m talking son of God, main character in the Bible Jesus, not the super from my first apartment.

Consider the facts...

Tebow the Football Player:

He has been wildly successful at every level of football he’s played. His career highlights include national championships in 2007 and 2009, being the first ever underclassman Heisman winner (2008) and just missing out on becoming just the 2nd person ever to win the award twice. After being anointed (see where I'm going?) one of the best collegiate football players of all-time, he then convinced Josh McDaniels and the Broncos to pick him in the first round. He’s done all this while looking like a fullback and throwing a football like he's still playing pee-wee. How does he pull this off? Well obviously his father, God, is looking out for him. When I originally posed this theory to BockerKnocker, his immediate question was “Then why would he ever lose?” That’s throw us off the scent. And for humility. Is humility a thing in Christianity? It sounds like something that the Messiah would have preached.

This year, he’s dealt with new adversity in the form of John Fox and John Elway, Head Coach & Grand Poobah, respectively, of the Broncos. They, like the rest of the non-believers, didn’t think he could play like a typical quarterback in the NFL and win games. So, instead of trying to teach him how to do that, they changed their entire offense to a scheme that hasn’t been used in the NFL in like 50 years and is mostly reserved for Friday nights.

Last week Tebow attempted 8 total passes, completing a whopping 25% of them, and the Broncos still won the game. Since taking over as the starter, Tebow has won 3 of 4 games and brought the Denver Tebows back into contention in a division that no one seems to want to win. How has Timmy been able to change the entire offensive philosophy of a team AND be successful? Well, obviously he’s the son of God.

Tebow the Man:

Both he and He had births that were surrounded in controversy.  JC came about from the immaculate reception conception, and Tebow was born in the Philippines while his mother was on a Christian mission. That’s not much of a controversy itself, but while she was rumbling in the jungle, she got some kind of jungle fever (not the fun/racist kind) and had to take some combination of drugs that doctors expected to cause a stillbirth. But since abortion is a Tebow family no-no, she opted to see it through and ultimately made the right decision. Why? Because if she had done the other thing, you all wouldn’t have the opportunity to read what I’m writing right here.

This leads to my next comparison, their mothers. Both of them were at the forefronts of controversies. Mary heard a less modern version of “How the hell did you just have a kid if you’re a virgin!?” Conversely, last year Mrs. T & New Jesus made a commercial that aired in the Super Bowl and it was the most talked about commercial of the year. I’m sure you heard about it.

Despite what people think about the man, by all accounts, each of them is a genuinely good guy. Much to our dismay, I can’t find an article where people talk about meeting Jesus so you’ll just have to trust me on that one.

Love them or hate them, there is no middle ground. And logic was thrown out the door a long time ago. So that, my friends, is why Tebow is the reincarnation of Jesus. What does this mean for all of us? I don’t know. But I do know that Timmy is changing the game of football, one non-believer at a time, just like his former self changed the world 2000ish years ago. Tonight (almost) everyone will see what I mean when Tebow plays the ugliest game of football, but will somehow beat the Jets and get one step closer to winning the division.

So there you have it. Look out for more TuckRule, since me and KOBEsh aren't really fond of posting pigskin. Unless the Bossman fires TuckRule after this one post. After all, the dude can't stand cream cheese.


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